Long time, lots going on

I know it's been a long time since I have published anything I have written. I have been writing on here occasionally, but it always seems like my posts come out all negative and I just didn't feel like putting all that negativeness out there so they are just drafts.

But it's my space to write my thoughts and if I just get it out there, maybe it will help me to move on.

A quick update - I am 26 weeks and 6 days. Tomorrow I'll be 27 weeks. Let me just say that these last few months have been busy, and along with busy c0mes stress and less sleep, and with stress and busy comes less time to relax, reflect and remember and with "busy stress", "baby stress" has hardly any room left to fit in. Get it?

Basically, there has been so much going on in my mind and in my life that it is difficult to keep up with anything and to give myself the me time that I so much need right now.

Baby has been doing well, baby is growing right in the middle of the growth curve. :) Baby moves around quite a bit and I've been having BH contractions quite a bit during the day. I've been on medication a few times for high bacteria counts in my urine, but it seems like they don't help. My doctor thinks I'm a carrier. No worries, as long as it doesn't bother me. I have had many ultrasounds to which I have been really grateful. They really calm my thoughts. No good pictures lately though, baby always seems to be in a poor position...just not as much space in there anymore! I'll have to get a belly shot up soon.

My daughter Julia in heaven was born at 23w4d gestation. That gestation with this pregnancy was difficult for me, but I got through it. My doctor wanted to treat my mind as well as my body to make sure I wasn't too anxious and I am so grateful for that. She had me come in for u/s and appts with her every other week around that time! Each milestone that I reached (20 weeks, 24 weeks etc) I felt a bit better and thought that after reaching 24w it would be much easier. Truth be told, it has been opposite. I am in uncharted territory now. Each time I felt anything or lack of something I would get worried. But I am getting through - I am learning that baby has some higher movement and lower movement days. I am also getting to know how it feels when my digestive tract is slow or fast from lactose consumption. My next appt is this Friday, and I'll hear baby's heartbeat. I'm looking forward to that!

So, just to put it all out there and continue on how this is difficult for me - November 2nd. It's when it all started last year. It was just after Halloween and I had my first big hemorrhage. I was at 16 weeks at that point with Julia. After that I was on bedrest. Next troubling time was mid-December when the bleed picked up and I had to go to hospital. But all in between...shopping for Christmas, hoping to get to the new year with baby safe. I've got to relive all that again.

I inwardly cringe each time I hear about Christmas. I know I should be celebrating Julia's birth, but coupled with the knowledge that it should be a happy time of the year and knowing that I'll be thinking of last year makes it difficult. I also think of all the relatives that I'll be seeing around Christmas, and I wonder how many of them will mention Julia or tell me that they are thinking of her and us. Really, what I want is a day with my husband and son, a day to reflect and remember Julia and to celebrate our family. A day that is just Julia's where I don't have to try and hold it together or be social-able or worry about being here or there. I'm sure we'll figure something out - we just need to do it.

Goodness! I think the baby has the hiccups!

Ethan is such a sweetie. He is always coming home with things for the baby. A baby pumpkin, baby pom-poms on his artwork, baby stickers. He talks to the baby too and tells baby "I love you baby". He is so excited to teach the baby all sorts of things and to go shopping to get a stuffed animal for the baby, just like he has his dog. He has no concept of time at 3yrs old, but he knows he has to wait until after Christmas for the baby to be born and that he will come with daddy to visit mommy and the baby in the hospital after it is born. I can hardly wait! I am so excited for Ethan to have a brother/sister that it is totally worth this difficult journey. I would make the same decision again. :)

What are you thankful for?

On Friday I was driving home listening to the radio and they were talking about this Thanksgiving weekend. One question they posed to the public was "What are you thankful for?".

For past Thanksgivings, I have always been happy to be able to share the day with my family, with all the beautifully changing leaves and the bountiful harvest of local vegetables and fruit available in the grocery stores. The apples this time of year are awesome! Thanksgiving has always just been a time to be happy with my family, to see some of them that I don't usually get to see except for on the big holidays.

This year, it was different. When I was posed that question "What are you thankful for?" so many things started to pop into my head. I suppose that I have just been a lot more in touch with ME this year, but I like that it got me thinking. I like that I really felt thankful for so many things this year because I have really slowed down to see around me in this world. Having lost my daughter Julia has really made me open to seeing and being grateful for some things that I have taken for granted in the past.

First and foremost, I am thankful that this pregnancy has so far been going very well. And I say so far b/c I know how things can change on a moments notice. It has not been without worries/anxiety, though I am so grateful that physically things are going well. I am also thankful that I have been able to connect with this baby and love when baby communicates back. :)

I am thankful for my beautiful daughter Julia, who left this world way too early but in her brief moments with us has taught me so much about myself and allowed me to reach out to so many.

I am thankful for my health and for my family's health.

I am thankful that I have a loving supportive family - my husband and son, my parents and brothers and sister and inlaws. This last year encompasses not only the new year after Julia was born, but also during that very difficult time last year from November 2nd and on. My sister came over to my house each week to help clean and cook b/c I was on bedrest. My husband took charge of Ethan in the mornings and in the process developed an incredible newer and stronger bond with him. My mom called all the time to see how I was doing and to give me moral support. She even went grocery shopping for us to stock up on groceries. My parents came over in the wee hours of the morning on December 25th to be there for Ethan when he woke up only to find Mommy and Daddy not there for him Christmas morning. My sister and mom and inlaws came to be with Mike and I when we were saying goodbye to Julia.

I am thankful for all my friends who supported me through the "hope" stage of my previous pregnancy with Julia. They tried so hard to lift me up and to believe that everything would be okay. Without that hope, it would have been a very dark time indeed.

I am incredibly thankful for the online community of support that I have found through the blogging world.

I am also incredibly thankful for my beautiful, loving, creative friend Katy whom I share so much with. She and I share this bond - she gets where I have been and where I am going and UNDERSTANDS. I can't tell you Katy how much it means to me to have you in my life, what a blessing you are.

I am thankful for my son, Ethan, who is so loving, compassionate, clever and keeps us on our toes. He makes me laugh and brings me back down to the simple things in life. He makes me see life on such a different level that it allows me to get away from the thoughts and worries that plague me some days.

I am thankful that my husband and I have jobs and that we have a nice home in a quiet and peaceful area. I am thankful that we can afford to feed and clothe ourselves.

I am thankful for our health care system, with compassionate doctors and support staff.

I am thankful for my local bereavement support group that helped through the difficult times and opened my mind to preparing for difficult days and times and for providing reassurance and guidance.

I am thankful that my eyes have been opened up to so much more around me, and that I am a much more compassionate person. I am thankful that I can really understand, support and help others around me whom in the past I would not really have connected with.

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving weekend! If you are doing the big dinner thing, enjoy the turkey, stuffing and bountiful harvest foods that Ontario farmers have provided us with this year.

And don't forget to slow down and think...really think "What are you thankful for?"

18 Weeks

Today I am at 18 weeks. :) I feel so happy having gotten this far...but baby steps are what I am walking. Next goal...20 weeks.

Yesterday I had an appt with my peri and had the anatomy ultrasound. It was so nice to see baby again. Baby was all curled up in a ball way down low so the tech had a very difficult time getting to see some of the things needed for the anatomy scan. Baby was measuring at 17.5 weeks which I was told is within the window so I will not worry about that. Enough already on my mind. The good news, baby's h/r was at 143bpm and everything looks fine thus far! The tech saw all the organs, heart is beating fine, two arms and legs, placenta and cord look fine. :) No picture b/c baby would not cooperate and get out of its tightly curled ball. It made me smile...baby looked so comfy and happy, right at home where it should be. It makes me happy knowing that this time around my body is still sustaining this precious little baby.

I feel baby moving quite a bit, just lately the movement has increased to that rolling motion, not just the little taps. Such a great thing to feel...makes me so happy and at ease, esp considering I don't have a doppler to listen to baby's heartbeat when I want. I can't wait for the bigger kicks so Daddy and Ethan can feel baby too!

So, I go back for another anatomy ultrasound in two weeks...I'm happy about that! I have a feeling since things are going well, that I will not be getting too many ultrasounds after this. I really want an updated picture of baby so I hope baby cooperates and stretches out a bit next time! I told Ethan I would get a picture of baby to show him, although I wonder if he will be able to tell by looking at the scan picture...even some adults can't tell what they are looking at!

Ethan is so excited about his new brother/sister coming. It is so different then when I was pregnant with Julia. I guess he is that much older and can understand abstract notions a bit better. Almost every day he asks me if he can teach the baby this or that. Just this morning he asked if he could teach the baby how to climb up on his bed! I told him yes, but first he needs to teach the baby how to roll over and how to hold onto things. I don't think he gets it, but he'll understand eventually. He is going to be such a great big brother!!

So for the past few days I have been at home nursing a head cold that is trying to move down to my chest. It's been a nice reprieve from work, although I do wish that I didn't have this cold at all. I am starting to feel better, but I can't help but think that if I was not pregnant it would have been moving along a bit more quickly.

When I started feeling a bit better yesterday I was able to catch up on all my blogging! I don't think I had read anything since before the weekend. Where does time go?? It's so nice to "meet" with all of you on a regular basis and see where everyone is at...every time I go on I am so grateful to have this community for support. :)

Well, I'm off to make some hot tea...enough of these Cheetos (my latest craving!), I need to get some delicious, juicy, flavourful Ontario peaches from my fruit bowl! (my other constant craving...fresh juicy fruit!)

I hope you are all having a good week. :)

15 Week Appointment

So I was really looking forward to my appointment last week to check up on my new little one. I was not scheduled for an ultrasound which I have to admit I was a little disappointed about. It is nearing the time this pregnancy to the point where things started to happen with the pregnancy with Julia and I kinda wanted to see if anything was in the works, but apparently abruptions happen suddenly and they could not have seen anything unless it was going to happen right then. My doctor did ask how I was doing and if I could make it through the next few weeks until my next appt on the 25th (when I have the anatomy scan) or if I wanted to come in. I told her I thought I would be okay, but it sure is nice knowing they are open to seeing me any time!

Actually, now that I have looked back at my calendar, depending on which way you look at it, I have either passed that point or am just approaching it. You see, with Julia my due date had been adjusted by about a week. When I looked at my calendar and my initial counts, I had been at 14 weeks, 5 days when it all started. But if you use the new timing based on a later ultrasound, it was at 16 weeks which I will be this Thursday. I know, all very confusing. The fact of the matter is though, is that I am feeling quite good considering all these dates are coming and going. Maybe it is b/c 14 and 5 is already past - and without my knowing it!- that I feel a bit more calm.

My appointment was quite basic really. Talk to the nurse, get blood pressure checked, listen to baby, get weight, see my doctor, and this time it was time to do the mid-stream urine test. I brought my mp3 player to record baby's heartbeat. :) It is not as loud as I would have liked it, and I hope you can all hear it well. You may have to turn your volume waaayyyy up! It was 158bpm.

(Well, I tried to download a sound file, but it does not work...does anyone know how to get a sound file on here?)

On Sunday I started feeling pretty ill - starting right around lunch time. Funny how that happened right after I delivered the cake and just before my friends wedding. We live 1.5 hours away though so it wasn't really an option to just go home. I felt like a fever was coming on and took a couple of tylenols to help. I eventually did start to feel better.

I had been wondering what it was, perhaps Ethan's bug that he had last weekend? I was quite worried at one point - I didn't want the fever to have any adverse effects on baby. It never got too high - I measured it when we got home and it was 100.6F. Not too bad. So, that is why I am home today. I didn't sleep well last night and I am pretty emotional too. After I got up this morning for breakfast, I went back to sleep and slept for another 2.5 hours! I think the fever is gone now and now I am dealing with the emotional stuff. I've learned that I just need to take the days when I need them, as I know I would be completely useless at work and I would just be a bundle of tears.

Anyways, I got a phone call this afternoon from my peri's office. Turns out the urine test was positive. Hmmm...possible reason for the fever?? I guess I'm one of those people who just can't really tell that they have an infection. I know there are risks with having an infection while pregnant and I just can't take them. So, I'll be going on a prescription to clear it up.

I love this little one so much! Sometimes I think I feel baby moving. I know it is still so early, but I know the sensation. :) My placenta is at the back so I will have more sensations at the front. It always happens in the morning when I am driving to work (when the seat belt is pressed against my abdomen) and after lunch when I am sitting doing something at the computer. Just a little bump..that's all I feel, but I know that feeling. :)

We don't really take too many pictures, but since we were just at a wedding we have a few. You can't really see my bump too well, but it gives you an idea. :)

And I just couldn't help but throw in this cute picture of Ethan. This cutie gives me hugs and cuddles when I need them most!

13 Weeks

Amazing what a night's sleep will do. This morning I felt much better, and was excited that baby is at 13 weeks today. Sometimes I imagine I feel baby moving around, but I know that it can't be. I can't wait to feel those little flutters and movements.

When I sing Ethan's bedtime song, I am singing to baby too. I imagine myself singing to baby as baby nurses or falls asleep. I remember when I did for Ethan, and in those early days when my hormones were still crazy I would always sing with tears in my eyes. Such intense love. I already feel such intense love for this little one.

I can't help but start the countdown in my head. 3 more weeks till 16 weeks which is when my placental abruption started last time. I am so paranoid about doing anything which might bring it on, although I know there is nothing I can do. After all, Ethan was just fine in there through the intimacy, the swimming, the exercise. Losing a baby can bring on the paranoia so quickly though. I just have to try to stay on top of those negative thoughts. Not so easy sometimes...

Instead of thinking of Julia today, I was thinking of Ethan and when he was born. I think my mind needed some of those happy thoughts and I enjoyed thinking of him today. :)

I love all my children and am cautiously awaiting the arrival of my third. How many weeks...27 more till full term. I'm just taking time day by day, although time seems to be flying by fast enough. It will give me more time to enjoy my new little one growing in my belly. :) Perhaps that is one thing I have learned...to slow down, not take anything for granted and enjoy the little things.

Unease

Last night I had a restless sleep. My mind is full of more baby thoughts, possibilities of things going wrong. I’ve often wondered if when we were pregnant with a rainbow baby if I would want to find out the gender of the baby. Back in early 2010 I would have said no way, I just want a healthy baby. But with all my pregnant blogging friends finding out what the sex of their baby was, I kinda got caught up in the hype and thought that it would be fun to know. Wouldn’t it be great to have another little girl? An earthly little sister for Ethan? Well, last night when I got up to use the washroom after my subconscious was drifting in and out of thoughts of Julia and the circumstances of her birth I realized that I was quite afraid. Afraid of finding out. If I knew it was another girl I would be so afraid of something going wrong, being paranoid about every little twinge of something I felt in my abdomen.

This fright and these thoughts stayed with me today. On my drive to work which is partly the same way to the hospital I was thinking of that day back in November when I started hemorrhaging. I thought of the way I ran through the hospital to ER, afraid of what was going on. I remembered the nurse at the station being so calm, almost unconcerned, almost like she didn’t believe me when I told her how much blood I was losing. How they put a sheet down on the wheelchair so that the blood wouldn’t get on the chair. How I laid in that hospital bed shaking my head to my husband that I didn’t think baby made it…shaking my head because I could not find the words to actually say it.

Fast forward to the day Julia was born. The pain I went through during labour, the desire to make it all stop. But for what? For my beautiful baby girl Julia who was born too early. For my baby girl that I could not take home with me. For my baby girl that died that Christmas day in my arms.

I remembered the way that she felt in my arms, how small she was, how light she was, how she moved around a bit, how her heart beat felt on my fingers, how she was warm, how in love I was. But then she began to change. Her heart stopped, her skin slowly became cool. I remember how it felt to kiss her on her forehead, how it felt to kiss her eyes. I remember how I felt when I realized I had to give her up. I remember how I much I cried. I remember the sudden realization that her soul had left her body and that she was in a better place.

I have not had such vivid thoughts since early on this year when it was all still so fresh.

All these thoughts today. All because of last night’s unease. All because the pregnancy hormones raging in my body this moment are making me more emotional. The thoughts of something going wrong this time around were scaring me. They had not up to this point.

In fact, I want this rainbow baby so badly. I want a little sister or brother for Ethan so badly. I love this child growing in my belly. I am just afraid.

1st Peri Appt

One week ago I had my appointment with my peri. Not really being sure which one of the group of doctors I would see, I was so glad that it was the same doctor I had with Julia. She walked in with a huge smile on her face and told me that when she saw my name she knew she had to come in and not send the resident. She knows everything that we went through with Julia. She knows all my medical history, she knows the grief we went through, and even though she never said it and can't b/c she is a doctor, I know she was really upset and devastated like we were when Julia died. Of course, she did tell us how sorry she was, but I already knew, I could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice.

She has such great optimism that this time everything will be okay. The plan: although there is a chance I will have another placental abruption there is a really good chance everything will be okay. I go to see her in another two weeks for a routine checkup and then at 18 weeks for the anatomy ultrasound. After that, another three weeks and then monthly if everything looks okay. Of course, if anything happens, those plans will change.

Being a placental abruption we are dealing with here, there are no indications of when it might happen, and hence the more spread out appts. But I am okay with that. As long as I get to see my baby and hear the heartbeat I will be happy.

At my visit last week baby's heartbeat was 166bpm and baby looked great. Baby was moving around a lot and was growing right on target. No indications of anything wrong. Big sigh!


Thankfully, this time around I am feeling more optimistic about things. I just have mother's intuition that things will turn out differently. That being said, I still don't have the urge to tell anybody that I am pregnant. In two days I will be 13 weeks and the only ppl I have told are my family, two dear blogger friends, and a couple of local friends...not even my really close friends. Just today I also told my supervisor at work. You see, I don't want to talk about it. Not with people who don't understand. I don't want the constant stream of questions...How are you feeling? How is baby doing? You must be so happy! Yes we are very happy and feel so blessed, but we are cautiously happy. I just want to keep this all to myself until baby is born safe and sound and in my arms. Of course, I know that won't happen. So I am keeping it in as long as I can. Wearing baggy shirts helps! I think I may just not say anything...I'm already getting a few belly looks, but what's a few weeks more?