Long time, lots going on

I know it's been a long time since I have published anything I have written. I have been writing on here occasionally, but it always seems like my posts come out all negative and I just didn't feel like putting all that negativeness out there so they are just drafts.

But it's my space to write my thoughts and if I just get it out there, maybe it will help me to move on.

A quick update - I am 26 weeks and 6 days. Tomorrow I'll be 27 weeks. Let me just say that these last few months have been busy, and along with busy c0mes stress and less sleep, and with stress and busy comes less time to relax, reflect and remember and with "busy stress", "baby stress" has hardly any room left to fit in. Get it?

Basically, there has been so much going on in my mind and in my life that it is difficult to keep up with anything and to give myself the me time that I so much need right now.

Baby has been doing well, baby is growing right in the middle of the growth curve. :) Baby moves around quite a bit and I've been having BH contractions quite a bit during the day. I've been on medication a few times for high bacteria counts in my urine, but it seems like they don't help. My doctor thinks I'm a carrier. No worries, as long as it doesn't bother me. I have had many ultrasounds to which I have been really grateful. They really calm my thoughts. No good pictures lately though, baby always seems to be in a poor position...just not as much space in there anymore! I'll have to get a belly shot up soon.

My daughter Julia in heaven was born at 23w4d gestation. That gestation with this pregnancy was difficult for me, but I got through it. My doctor wanted to treat my mind as well as my body to make sure I wasn't too anxious and I am so grateful for that. She had me come in for u/s and appts with her every other week around that time! Each milestone that I reached (20 weeks, 24 weeks etc) I felt a bit better and thought that after reaching 24w it would be much easier. Truth be told, it has been opposite. I am in uncharted territory now. Each time I felt anything or lack of something I would get worried. But I am getting through - I am learning that baby has some higher movement and lower movement days. I am also getting to know how it feels when my digestive tract is slow or fast from lactose consumption. My next appt is this Friday, and I'll hear baby's heartbeat. I'm looking forward to that!

So, just to put it all out there and continue on how this is difficult for me - November 2nd. It's when it all started last year. It was just after Halloween and I had my first big hemorrhage. I was at 16 weeks at that point with Julia. After that I was on bedrest. Next troubling time was mid-December when the bleed picked up and I had to go to hospital. But all in between...shopping for Christmas, hoping to get to the new year with baby safe. I've got to relive all that again.

I inwardly cringe each time I hear about Christmas. I know I should be celebrating Julia's birth, but coupled with the knowledge that it should be a happy time of the year and knowing that I'll be thinking of last year makes it difficult. I also think of all the relatives that I'll be seeing around Christmas, and I wonder how many of them will mention Julia or tell me that they are thinking of her and us. Really, what I want is a day with my husband and son, a day to reflect and remember Julia and to celebrate our family. A day that is just Julia's where I don't have to try and hold it together or be social-able or worry about being here or there. I'm sure we'll figure something out - we just need to do it.

Goodness! I think the baby has the hiccups!

Ethan is such a sweetie. He is always coming home with things for the baby. A baby pumpkin, baby pom-poms on his artwork, baby stickers. He talks to the baby too and tells baby "I love you baby". He is so excited to teach the baby all sorts of things and to go shopping to get a stuffed animal for the baby, just like he has his dog. He has no concept of time at 3yrs old, but he knows he has to wait until after Christmas for the baby to be born and that he will come with daddy to visit mommy and the baby in the hospital after it is born. I can hardly wait! I am so excited for Ethan to have a brother/sister that it is totally worth this difficult journey. I would make the same decision again. :)