Unease

Last night I had a restless sleep. My mind is full of more baby thoughts, possibilities of things going wrong. I’ve often wondered if when we were pregnant with a rainbow baby if I would want to find out the gender of the baby. Back in early 2010 I would have said no way, I just want a healthy baby. But with all my pregnant blogging friends finding out what the sex of their baby was, I kinda got caught up in the hype and thought that it would be fun to know. Wouldn’t it be great to have another little girl? An earthly little sister for Ethan? Well, last night when I got up to use the washroom after my subconscious was drifting in and out of thoughts of Julia and the circumstances of her birth I realized that I was quite afraid. Afraid of finding out. If I knew it was another girl I would be so afraid of something going wrong, being paranoid about every little twinge of something I felt in my abdomen.

This fright and these thoughts stayed with me today. On my drive to work which is partly the same way to the hospital I was thinking of that day back in November when I started hemorrhaging. I thought of the way I ran through the hospital to ER, afraid of what was going on. I remembered the nurse at the station being so calm, almost unconcerned, almost like she didn’t believe me when I told her how much blood I was losing. How they put a sheet down on the wheelchair so that the blood wouldn’t get on the chair. How I laid in that hospital bed shaking my head to my husband that I didn’t think baby made it…shaking my head because I could not find the words to actually say it.

Fast forward to the day Julia was born. The pain I went through during labour, the desire to make it all stop. But for what? For my beautiful baby girl Julia who was born too early. For my baby girl that I could not take home with me. For my baby girl that died that Christmas day in my arms.

I remembered the way that she felt in my arms, how small she was, how light she was, how she moved around a bit, how her heart beat felt on my fingers, how she was warm, how in love I was. But then she began to change. Her heart stopped, her skin slowly became cool. I remember how it felt to kiss her on her forehead, how it felt to kiss her eyes. I remember how I felt when I realized I had to give her up. I remember how I much I cried. I remember the sudden realization that her soul had left her body and that she was in a better place.

I have not had such vivid thoughts since early on this year when it was all still so fresh.

All these thoughts today. All because of last night’s unease. All because the pregnancy hormones raging in my body this moment are making me more emotional. The thoughts of something going wrong this time around were scaring me. They had not up to this point.

In fact, I want this rainbow baby so badly. I want a little sister or brother for Ethan so badly. I love this child growing in my belly. I am just afraid.