Almost 12 weeks!

I have no time anymore to post on here! Between caring for Lauren, having Ethan home with me part time, housework, errands, reading about raising toddlers, visiting friends and family, doing Girl Guide stuff I have no time left!

Lauren is almost 12 weeks old. :) She is doing great! I can't believe she has already had like three colds, but what do you expect from an older brother who loves to talk to her...inches from her face because we told him she can't see very far? LOL!

Ethan in his big brother pj's and Lauren in her little sister shirt

For a while there, she was gaining weight very quickly, but I think she has slowed down now. I think it was because she was born three weeks early and she was playing catch up from not being in my tummy. At her last doc appt about 3 weeks ago she was almost 12 lbs. I think she must be over 13 now! One concern about her heart having a tiny hole was that her appetite may be low due to being tired, but it has not been a problem, and I am so grateful for that. But comparing that to losing a baby, it just seems like such a small concern. She will go back to the cardiologist at 6 months for another listen and perhaps another look.

She has started talking to us, and I just love having conversations with her. She is most happy right after I feed her and she smiles and makes her cute noises. She has also started reaching out to some of the toys in front of her and gets that really determined look on her face just like Ethan had at that age. She reminds me so much of him!

Ethan is a great big brother. He is gentle and kind, aware of her needs and wants to help her feel better when she is hungry or sad. He wants to tell everyone at his school about her, and tells anyone who meets her her full name. Ethan doesn't know it, but a lot of the time he is running around, dancing in his seat or on the floor Lauren is watching him - eyes glued on his every move! I love to watch her watching him. I think she will be following him around all the time when she become mobile! I know Ethan can't wait until she will be big enough to play with him.

Ethan is entertaining Lauren and her eyes are glued on him!

I can't wait until the warmer weather is here to stay. Winter has been teasing us long enough and the garden and stroller are calling me.

Lauren on her first stroller ride

Introducing Rainbow Baby Lauren!

Baby Lauren Marie was joyfully welcomed into our family on January 6th, 2011! She was born at 7:21 am and was 6lbs, 9oz and was 49cm long. She was born at 37 weeks. We feel so blessed to have her at home with us. :)Lauren Marie - 6 or 7 hours old

I wish I could say that I went into labour naturally, but I was induced. On Wednesday night just after 9pm I started bleeding. I was so scared and yelled for Mike to get Ethan ready to leave for the hospital right away. On the way there I was feeling for baby moving and was relieved to feel movement on route. Once we got there, I was hooked up and they did a NST on the baby to make sure everything was okay. Baby had a strong heart beat and was very active. It was such a relief to hear, but I was still anxious over knowing what was going to happen.

My peri's were not there that night and there were a few emergency c-sections being done and I had to wait. It was not until after midnight that I saw the resident (not the OB) and she told us that she had talked with the OB and since I was 37 weeks (just barely!) that they were going to give us the option of induction. I knew right away that it was what I wanted, but my hubby was a bit hesitant seeing as though the baby was still meant to be growing for 3 more weeks. I knew that they wouldn't have kept me at the hospital, and even if they had there was no way that I'd have been hooked up non-stop being able to listen to that heart beat. I knew in my heart that we had to have that baby that night. And so it was decided.

Several hours later, baby Lauren was born. It seemed like forever after she came out until when they could get her in a position to see what the sex was (although it was probably only a second!) and I cried when I found out it was a girl. She came out screaming and I knew she had a good pair of lungs. They placed her on my chest and put a blanket over her - she quieted as soon as I started talking to her. It was love at first sight. <3 <3 <3

She has been at home with us for a week and two days now and she continues to do great. She is eating well, and packing on the weight! She lost 8.6% of her birth weight in the hospital and just 6 days after being born she put on several ounces making her 6lbs 11oz! Lauren does have a heart murmur and we found out she has a tiny hole in her heart in the bottom chamber between the two walls. She saw a cardiologist before we left the hospital and we were assured that it should not cause any health problems and may even close up on it's own by age 2. If we don't see any changes in her eating and sleeping by 6 weeks, it is safe to say that things will continue to go well.


Ethan loves his little sister and wants to help out with her quite a bit! He is so confident when holding her (this scares me a little!) and wants to help dress her like he dresses "dog" or "monkey". He also says that she is really noisy (she hardly cries at all :) ) and wants to know when he can play with her. In time Ethan!

This past week I was supposed to be at home on vacation getting ready for Lauren to be born - cleaning, organizing, haircut, cooking/baking etc but instead I've spent several hours each day just watching her sleep or gazing into her eyes. I can't put her down sometimes and give her a thousand kisses each day. I love her so much and am thankful every day that she arrived with us safe and sound. We are so blessed!

Duh!

I want to thank all of you for all your great heartfelt and congratulatory comments over the past several months. I just read all of them today...I didnt' have the email setting set to send them to me. Then I was looking around the dashboard and found the comments section and saw them all summarized there. I must admit, I thought that maybe nobody was interested in all my difficult times, maybe I was bringing too many people down... I would have replied to some had I known they were there...honest, I wasn't ignoring you!! :)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support during this difficult journey.

What a great gift for me to read today, one month before Julia's first birthday!

This morning was really difficult, as the first thing I heard on the radio was "It's just one more month till Christmas!" I didn't really need the reminder and it just made me think about Christmas Day. On top of that I was emotional from lack of sleep and high workload stress from being off for two days.

Tomorrow I have another u/s appt and appt with my doctor. I can't wait to see Spark again. These u/s appts really do help with my anxiety - I am so thankful for them. For example, I have been slightly worried these past two days b/c of the occasional pains down there - my practical side tells me that they are likely my digestive tract getting back on track after being sick for two days, but my paranoid side tells me what if the placenta is slowly breaking away like last time? I like riding roller coasters at amusement parks, but emotional ones are a bit different....

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you celebrating today! I hope that you all found several things to be thankful for - in fact I know you all will have. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday as I always get to spend it with my family - the one thing I am most thankful for.

Belly shots and profile pic

Okay, so here's those belly shots. I am 30w5d. The profile of Baby was taken on Nov 12th. It's getting so hard now to get any pictures of Spark b/c it's getting quite squishy in there!

So much on my mind, so little to say

It seems like these past couple of months have been so busy, but in addition to that, I have had so much on my mind.

Nobody could ever have told me just what a roller coaster ride this new pregnancy would have been - I just have to travel it and do my best emotionally.

Just over a week ago, I had the most anxious week yet. I was so worried because I didn't feel "Spark" moving around like normal. (My fellow Girl Guide leaders have nick-named Baby Spark b/c they think it will be a girl...a boy would have been named Scout) I was worried enough as it was, just over all the unknowns that could happen, but when I noticed a definite difference in movement times, locations where the baby would kick, and a decrease in large movements to smaller ones I panicked. This happened Monday morning, through the day and into Tuesday.

I finally got enough courage to call the hospital, and of course since I finally admitted it out loud to myself and others I was really upset. My doctors and nurses up until that point had freely told me to come in to hear the heart beat if I was worried. I was counting on that and maybe more when I called in on Tuesday morning. I was so anxious I couldn't even work or focus on anything else. Anyways, I called in and was talking to a nurse I had never met before. I told her how I was worried that there was a decrease in large movements and I was worried that the baby was in some sort of distress. What did she do? Nothing, except to try and calm me by telling me that the baby was fine as long as I felt any sort of movement (6 movements) in 2 hours. I even told her that my previous baby had died and that I was worried something was happening again. But all that she told me was the same, and that if I was still anxious later that day to call back and I could come in.

Well, thanks to a co-worker who walked in when I was in tears I felt a bit better for the rest of the day, and since I WAS feeling movement I was able to keep myself in check. However for the rest of the week my mind was in a fog. I had an u/s appt booked for the Friday and I was looking forward to that.

Friday finally came. Baby's heart rate was 144, down from in the 150's. Baby was measuring just over 3 lbs, bang on the 50th percentile in growth. (I was surprised at this b/c Ethan was such a big baby - 9 lbs, 14 oz at 8 days overdue.) There was nothing wrong, baby was doing just fine. The reason for all the different and decreased movement? Spark had switched from head down, into a breech position, with the head and feet up! Spark was folded up like a bobby pin!! Imagine my relief.

Until after all my Friday appointments were over, I didn't realize what a fog I had been in, and how internalized my thoughts have been. I felt like I could see people so clearly again, and really pay attention to them again. One thing I didn't forget to mention during the appt was my disappointment in the reaction to my phone call. Both the nurse and doctor validated my feelings and told me that if it ever happened again to ask to speak to one of my two usual nurses, and my doctor told me to just take charge and tell them to expect me shortly. Something, I might add, that is not easy to do in the midst of an anxiety attack.

So, now I have been feeling for Spark on a regular basis and recognizing the little movements to be stretches, pokes, kicks. I'm pretty sure Spark has turned somewhat b/c I feel kicks in my ribs all night when I wake Spark up with coughs or with tummy rumblings while getting an early morning snack. :) I think Spark has turned back into the fetal position and is laying diagonally now, with head partially down on the left and feet up on the right. I feel so in tune with Spark and love imagining what Spark will look like at birth.

At this point I don't care if I have to have a c-section or if I deliver vaginally, although I would prefer the latter. All I'm hoping for in the next several weeks is for Spark to continue to be healthy and active and for a healthy baby to be placed in my arms at the end of January.

Some belly shots, as promised, and some pics of Spark 1 1/2 weeks ago! (Well, the belly shots and other pic will be delayed due to errors with uploading. Maybe tomorrow...) This is of Spark looking directly at the scanner, eyes closed. I really wish my hospital had 3D. :)

Remembrance Day

Today Ethan made me so proud.

His daycare went to a Remembrance day ceremony and before they went, the teachers were trying to tell the kids (3 yr olds) the reason for the ceremony. They were at a loss for words, because really, how do you explain such a large concept to three year olds?

I had been talking to one of the teachers last week and told her what I had told Ethan. We originally told him about the day because he wanted to wear a poppy like us, and he wanted to buy one from the "P0ppy man" (a war veteran) at the grocery store. He also wanted to know why.

Well, today they turned to Ethan for answers. What do we do on Remembrance day? "We remember people." Why do we remember people? "We wear a poppy to remember people." What did your mommy tell you about Remembrance day? "We remember the people that fought in the war with guns and died." What a concept for a three year old to comprehend. When we first told him, he thought that we were talking about water guns...what innocence. I'm sure he does not really understand it all, but for him even to remember what I told him just blows me away! The teachers were all so impressed with him and they were quite content with what he had to say to them and the other kids. They were all so good at the ceremony and were so quiet. I think they understood that something really important and special was going on. They also really enjoyed listening to the band playing and Ethan told me that he heard a trumpet today. :)

This year Remembrance day today held so much more meaning close to the heart. I have seen and felt only a glimmer of what all those soldiers felt during the war. What a sacrifice they gave for their countries. I can really understand the magnitude of what they did for all of us.

Before we really experience loss and death, looking into their eyes when they remember just isn't the same. I remember the look in my Dziadzia's eyes when he would remember and I never really got it, I never really understood the haunted memories that stayed with him. Now I think back to that look and I can FEEL some of that loss and pain that he felt...but it was so much more for him.

Anyways, I just really wanted to say that I feel so much more of a connection to the saddness and I am so much more grateful for everything that those soldiers did for us, for their families and their countries.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Is this normal? (and other various thoughts)

This morning when I woke up the thought crossed my mind - when will the bleeding start? I hadn't even realized how deeply embedded it was in my subconscious, how I half expected things to fall apart on the anniversary of when things started to go badly last year. It was a Monday morning last year but already the 2nd of November - the Monday after Halloween.

My mind has been tied up in a bundle of various thoughts these past few weeks and it makes it so hard to properly function sometimes. I've been feeling so tired, I just want to sleep so much. I know it's the grief swelling up, and I feel like I have no time for it. I have given myself permission to take those days off that I need because I know I need to take care of myself. Next time, I'm calling in. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about it, hopefully tomorrow.

But not only is it the grief and memories of Julia that are with me. This new little one growing bigger and bigger each day also occupies my thoughts. Is baby moving enough? Is baby growing well? Is everything still okay with the placenta?

I am so thankful that my peri is so understanding and wants to help me as much as possible. I know that so much of it (swirling thoughts) I need to take care of myself, but knowing that I have those appointments to hear or see baby are so reassuring. Hearing her say that everything is still going really well also helps so much. I feel like I need to hear that more than ever now.

Okay, change of topic. Christmas is coming, and Ethan is excited about it. I know he is still so young, but a comment or a lack of a comment irritated me somewhat. He is excited about Santa coming on the 25th. Is the memory of Julia going to be lost on this little one over the excitement of presents? I quickly reminded him that we are also going to be celebrating a very special birthday that day, but it didn't seem to sink in. I have not lost hope though - Julia is close to his heart and I know after the morning excitement is over he will lovingly celebrate Julia's birthday with us.

Next thought...I have been feeling so hungry this past week! I wasn't sure why at first, but I realized today at dinner when I felt stuffed after eating a moderately sized meal. My tummy is starting to get squished already! I remember with Ethan getting filled up after eating only 1/2 a hamburger but needing to eat again not too long after. :) It made me smile realizing that baby is growing bigger and slowly starting to take up more and more room!

At my last appointment, (Friday 29th) baby's heart rate was 154 bpm and baby was very active. I was 27 weeks on Thursday. I know I can't really compare, and I know that I don't want to know for sure, but I'm thinking that baby might be a girl. :) Ethan's heart rate was always much lower, around 130-145, and he was quite active too. Julia's was always higher - the number that sticks in my head is 156 bpm. Also, all the way through, every time I think of baby it is of a female. But who really knows? I'm looking forward to the surprise. :)

My next appt is in about 2 weeks and I have an u/s scheduled. I am looking forward to seeing baby again. :)